I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
