When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
