Soap is not a condiment
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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