I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
