I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
