he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
