best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
