This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I did not marry a roomba.
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