Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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