Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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