i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
