I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
