Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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