Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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