Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
