I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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