I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
