You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So vagazzling was a success
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
