I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize