you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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