The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
