If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
two words: eviction party
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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