Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
