I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
