True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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