R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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