you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
