i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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