five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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