Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
