She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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