Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
