I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
