I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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