Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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