people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
