Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize