if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
