nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
