he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
