I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
