I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
farters have to be the big spoon...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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