would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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