good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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