I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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