I am spending my child support on dildos
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
