you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
