I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
