I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize