Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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