Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
