My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
