Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
