I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
