I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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