I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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