I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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