Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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