I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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