And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
