12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
