there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
